a week of sunrises

This was the sort of week I wonder if I could re-wind. And if I could play it over would I even change a thing?
I can't wrap my mind completely around each event nor can I see the whole picture.
If I believed there was a master plan, I'd be asking it what the hell it was playing at.
I'm not the type to like to simply go along for the ride.
I'm really more the stick-my-head out-the-window-so-I-can-see-exactly-where-the-road-is-headed type. *even if that means I get slapped in the face with a few branches on the way.
I know sometimes it's best to let things be. Watch them evolve as they go.
But it is a mystery how can I do this when it risks as much as it does this time around.
If I was a risk taker – I think I'd like roller coasters – and sky diving.
I hate them both.
I don't like the feeling of falling.
I suppose that is the whole picture of this week.
I don't like falling.

On Wednesday my world got flipped upside down and I realized I was 5 years old again, sitting by my mothers bedside trying to wake her. Now I'm 3,000 miles away and I still can't wake her. I've wished for super powers before – but most of the wishes were because of her. I would trade my only smile – if I could save her.
It took 12 hours for me to let go. I spent 12 hours in Lee's office – 3 of which were with Carmen mostly in silence. Tears seemed to find pathways down my face faster than I could find my own voice.
Wednesday seems a years away. So far behind me.

Lack of sleep changes the way you see the world. Seeing 6 consecutive sunrises does something to the heart beat.
But it wasn't just a simple lack of sleep. I could have slept more if I chose to. But even after I got home I would sit awake and try to convince myself to breathe, and blink my thoughts away. I could have slept if I wanted to. I could have choosen a differnt road. Wasn't I the one walking down it? Which is worse - wanting to leave? and staying -- or needing to stay -- and going?
I prefer the less complicated.
But I am complication - So it's hard to avoid the end result.
How do you process an emotion you've buried away for 3 years? And if it was buried for 3 years where the hell did it come from? Did someone unlock the casket when I wasn't looking? Who moved the stone?
This could be the worst thing – or one of the best things I could ever imagine.
But I'd have to let go first.
I haven't let go - but it's out there now. I've said too much. - or was it feel too much. The two can be so intertwined.
if I untangle... I'd have to risk falling
And I hate that.
I hate falling.
Why can't I have the super powers my name holds?
Why do people call me wonderwoman if I can't even find the truth in someone's eyes.
Or maybe the problem is I have seen it. And it's everything thats wrong.

Fireworks are terrible pollution anyhow.

So maybe – it's best I just let it all go.