I'm waiting for my Dad to call me in a few moments Counting the flowers on the lawn across the street The way I’m counting minutes inside my head He’s calling my aunt's house for the update Like news reporters do But, with dignity I’m happy to be outside, letting the sun kiss my eyelashes breathing in the spring...
The breeze is my rescue today
it came across my skin and carried me away from everything into it’s own universe of nothing tangible where everything is spelled in heart beats I feel whole again Even for a moment life is hurting my soul hard right now.
My Dad is breaking And I’m collecting his pieces In little boxes of folded security I promised him I’d take care of myself Because he told me If anything happened to me Right now… With everything as it is… His life would be gone.
He doesn’t mean he’d kill himself. We don’t really do that sort of thing Our family is too practical We’re Jewish – we don’t like to waste. But I knew just what he meant. The way you know when a child says - They’d just 'starve with out a snack'... You know they’ll live But also you remember that feeling When you were 5 years old – where you were convinced you definitely would not. It’s not too hot out. Just right. Makes me think of the three bears and goldilocks the way I sigh inside the perfect temperature It’s just right. and I read a lot of children's books.
This is so hard. This counting of flowers and minutes And each one only makes me worry more And at the same time… The ticking of days going by – slipping by – and even being lost, Tells me we'll make it through - like we always do we are a resilient family. we can do this.
We will be less incredible without her We will be less beauty once she is gone We will be one less angel One less branch One less petal on the flowers...
…across the street – there is 34 35 if you count the little one under some leaves My aunt would like these flowers Her backyard is beautiful.
There are more flowers in the yard than we have family and by a lot And I’m happy they are there Grass is not always enough and the contrast of colors - the purple lips of each flower Makes each member of my family more real
As long as the sun shows up every few days and asks me to smile for her I can breathe. I have the stars already and I have whats left of my family in purple flower petals.
My friends are my soil and they have been my solid ground to replace the parts of mine that have crumbled and recently fallen away. They are as beautiful as this breeze, and as important to my heart beat.
My Dad is in pieces – But I have them all here In my Hand I’ll keep him safe until we can put ourselves back together again. And I’ll keep my family in the pocket of today’s sun on the edges of my soul.
Am I alright???
No – not really
But I will be
Because there are 35 purple flowers across the street.
THIS is what me + disgusted + disrespected + taken for granted + very angry combined with my computer close by --- all equals... Read carefully if you care to:
SO was considering how to begin this thought How to formulate what is going on in my head today. And for the last week and some change I suppose... And all I came up with was that -- I already did - it' s 3 posts down in bright GREEN letters. do I seriously need to RE-POST the entire rant about honesty? I mean what the F?????
I'll ask out loud (type out loud) One more F*&#$@ time.
Please DO NOT complain to me about people lying to you - when you can't be honest with me.
seriously.
forget it.
And Please DO NOT ask (or expect) any thing from me in any way, shape, or form what so ever a smile, a favor, or any thing else ------ until you can be truthful to me
Do NOT call me a "friend" when you're only willing to be one yourself, when it is convenient for you.
IF you know something DO NOT lie to me about it to make your life have more "options" or what ever it may be... (that includes serious ommition of pretty damn key pieces of information that you know you should tell me off hand).
For any one that cannot agree to these terms -
I have nothing left to offer you.
no,...I take that back --
nothing I WANT to offer you.
(if you don't think this applies to you... - it really probably doesn't).
***This is my place to vent if you don't want to hear it feel free to press the small x at the top right hand side of this box (and for mac users... you might as well just give up and get a PC)
*just kidding mac-ies... ;)
I'm not going making any disclaimers or excuses for this post
I keep trying to write something about my Aunt. I know it would help but every time I start, I feel it’s like talking about the dead – that aren’t dead yet I can’t write about her dying – because I somehow feel it might speed it up Like a child believeing,... if they say they don't believe in Fairies that they'll all fall away- but she isn't a fairy, she's my aunt. and I feel like I’ve lost her already.
My Dad called again And I didn’t bring it up Because I knew he would I’m so thankful he can speak to me about this to someone,... anyone,... I'm 1/2 afraid the weight of this will break him into pieces I can't put back together. He’s not exactly an open person But he’s letting himself be - a little– with me And so I let him bring it up And tell me how she looks Tell me about her laugh and her tears about the things she said today And the pictures he found in a box of the two of them on Brooklyn side walks sometime in the 50's He tells me how much he loves her How she apologized to him for not being able to grow old together they way they had planned she tells him she's sorry they're not going to get to do the things they love to do. He tells me this as though it's an everyday conversation but in his throat is his heart I can hear it beating over the phone I've never heard his voice do this not like this. I remind myself she’d be angry if I was too sad If I let myself stop my life for a moment for her. But I feel like there is no ground There is nothing worth standing on When I picture her gone. There is nothing left if people like her can disappear into the blankets she is wrapped in I’ve lost so many people Friends – family this year. People oldler, and younger...
But this This is the worst thing And I can't even write why because I'm not strong enough to keep my fingers typing once I start crying. And I can’t make it go away. I can’t fix it I can’t protect my father from loosing her My family is so small to start with We have nothing left To remove one more branch off the tree... It feels we’ll all just suffocate and eventually fall away.
I’m writing,... I know But it’s not really about her There is so much About her That is everything right with the world And now Soon Gone. Is this worse than suddenly loosing someone? I haven’t decided – Both have happened so recently But my heart has seized beating for this week And the next And maybe the next We won't know. It could be tomorrow. I feel like screaming if I think of her in pain But it’s not simply screaming It’s a whole body-tear-the-world-apart-scream That no matter how hard I try Can’t fix this feeling inside My God I can’t do this Someone please Reverse this. I don’t know how to watch my father this way I don’t know how to loose her Should I be strong? Because I’m not And that makes me feel so guilty She is the strongest woman I’ve ever known My God Judy, I’m so sorry I’m not better at this For you I love you so much Where is my ground?
Texas was everything I never thought it wasn’t. If you can sort that sentence out – get back to me and tell me what I just said, because I lost myself there. I’ve been taken to a place in my heart this last two months that I’ve pretty much avoided for the last four years. and I really think that changed my perspective on everything I saw this weekend. I’ve become sort of worn down I suppose. I still don’t write love poems. For anyone. I hate to fall I don’t care how great the way down could be When you hit the ground at the end it’s so easy to break I’ve gone by so long with no one that has caught my breath That I've got sort of use to not breathing at all.
Last year I had a moment And instance I’d never had before I met a person I felt I could not let slip away I could not let them walk out of my life without telling them That they were simply beautiful I suppose that opened a door of sorts I’d never done that before – Stopped someone – pulled them aside and said “look, I don’t know what this is, but I don’t want to say goodbye to you” And not once has that thought changed in my mind. Even now. I feel the same about them But it slowly became An accepted space between what is And what can’t really be.
I would never regret that moment And am even a little happy I had the nerve to do such a crazy thing I learned a valuable lesson in risk taking. If someone walks into your life And leaves you running their existence over in your head Like a really great song lyric Then maybe Just maybe You should tell them so.
I didn’t find true love and eternal happiness from my honesty Nothing so Disney movie as that But I did still end up with a friend I value granted... a friendship with a strange attraction that hangs in the air The way incense smoke does It’s beautiful and visible, real and solid But is nothing you can hold in your hand. Nothing you can capture and count on for anything more Than the pattern in makes in the air.
If it ever catches fire for real, It would be amazing, But it’s doubtful, and I’d rather not Stare into the smoke of something I can’t ever touch.
and so my heart let go of that instance in a lot of ways after that And I've just walked though time The way you might walk though a tunnel Surrounded by beauty on all sides. walking though looking at the ground so that I wouldn’t Accidentally slip and fall... ...For anyone. Two months ago I let myself Look up from my feet and Realized I had fallen Somewhere along that path And again I was honest as could be once I knew how I felt. but would never give up the friendship I do not regret giving my honesty to this person Because they are incredible in every way I would not trade our friendship for really anything And would never want to let that go
Finding out you care so much for a person That all that makes you happy – is to see them happy Whether that be even seeing them with someone else Is a great – weird feeling. Letting them go and being perfectly alright with that is an even weirder one I left for Texas feeling rather free I suppose And the last thing I expected was to Trip all over again And in the strangest way. It seems for 4 years straight I met no one That I felt I connected to Now in a matter of one week (not even, Wednesday – Sunday) I’ve been around 3 people that make me loose all ability to speak in complete sentences when I think of them And yet there is nothing I can do about any of it For the two I’ve explained above Things are simply as they are. And that is where my weekend was I was ½ in one world and ½ in another I was busy trying to pretend my family Isn’t loosing another limb And that my aunt isn’t going to disappear in a mater of weeks That my Grandmother is fine That my mother is alright And that we’re all – just fine I had my game face on Working hard not to feel too down Or to pull my teams mood down. All this I’m sure made my weekend what it was I know I was more sensitive to everything That my heart was already ripped apart and beating in my hands Before we even landed in Austin. I called my father maybe 30 times from Texas Not for me- For him. And if you knew my family That says enough to what it is we’re all going though. All this And the histories we all brought back with us from the past 3 years of this event ... that was all there Like incense smoke patterns dancing to poetry I was so caught in another world that I barely noticed when they started to talk to me. I don’t know them well enough to call it anything other Than simple admiration But they caught my breath And people have to do a lot for me to change my breathing pattern. I’m thankful to have the time I had And I have a genuine desire to Find this person again so that can tell them That with their humor They saved me from tears more times than they will ever know this weekend That by simply smiling and talking about Something as silly as my love of stars, camping and penguins that they took me away from the swirl of stress that was twisting in my heart for just a few moments They reminded me that amazing people are everywhere And that friendship is worth it all why I wasn’t more open with them about it all may have been the wrong decision... This may have been one more time I should have spilled my mind And let them know how I felt. But there are some instances That can’t be had
But with luck I will keep this person as a friend for as long as I can. and hope I will one day speak to them again and let the same smile race across my lips simply because - they are.
