falling away

I keep trying to write something about my Aunt.
I know it would help but every time I start,
I feel it’s like talking about the dead – that aren’t dead yet
I can’t write about her dying
– because I somehow feel it might speed it up
Like a child believeing,...
if they say they don't believe in Fairies
that they'll all fall away-
but she isn't a fairy, she's my aunt.
and I feel like I’ve lost her already.

My Dad called again
And I didn’t bring it up
Because I knew he would
I’m so thankful he can speak to me about this
to someone,... anyone,...
I'm 1/2 afraid the weight of this
will break him
into pieces I can't put back together.
He’s not exactly an open person
But he’s letting himself be - a little– with me
And so I let him bring it up
And tell me how she looks
Tell me about her laugh
and her tears
about the things she said today
And the pictures he found in a box
of the two of them on Brooklyn side walks
sometime in the 50's
He tells me how much he loves her
How she apologized to him
for not being able to grow old together
they way they had planned
she tells him she's sorry
they're not going to get to do the things they love to do.
He tells me this
as though it's an everyday conversation
but in his throat is his heart
I can hear it beating over the phone
I've never heard his voice do this
not like this.
I remind myself she’d be angry if I was too sad
If I let myself stop my life for a moment
for her.
But I feel like there is no ground
There is nothing worth standing on
When I picture her gone.
There is nothing left if people like her can disappear
into the blankets she is wrapped in
I’ve lost so many people
Friends – family this year.
People oldler, and younger...

But this
This is the worst thing
And I can't even write why
because I'm not strong enough
to keep my fingers typing once I start crying.
And I can’t make it go away.
I can’t fix it
I can’t protect my father from loosing her
My family is so small to start with
We have nothing left
To remove one more branch off the tree...
It feels we’ll all just suffocate and eventually fall away.

I’m writing,... I know
But it’s not really about her
There is so much
About her
That is everything right with the world
And now
Soon
Gone.
Is this worse than suddenly loosing someone?
I haven’t decided –
Both have happened so recently
But my heart has seized beating for this week
And the next
And maybe the next
We won't know.
It could be tomorrow.
I feel like screaming if I think of her in pain
But it’s not simply screaming
It’s a whole body-tear-the-world-apart-scream
That no matter how hard I try
Can’t fix this feeling inside
My God
I can’t do this
Someone please
Reverse this.
I don’t know how to watch my father this way
I don’t know how to loose her
Should I be strong?
Because I’m not
And that makes me feel so guilty
She is the strongest woman I’ve ever known
My God
Judy,
I’m so sorry I’m not better at this
For you
I love you so much
Where is my ground?

It’s falling away with you.