spell it in heart beats please

I'm waiting for my Dad to call me in a few moments
Counting the flowers on the lawn across the street
The way I’m counting minutes inside my head
He’s calling my aunt's house for the update
Like news reporters do
But, with dignity
I’m happy to be outside,
letting the sun kiss my eyelashes
breathing in the spring...

The breeze is my rescue today

it came across my skin
and carried me away from everything
into it’s own universe of nothing tangible
where everything is spelled in heart beats
I feel whole again
Even for a moment

life is hurting my soul hard right now.

My Dad is breaking
And I’m collecting his pieces
In little boxes of folded security
I promised him I’d take care of myself
Because he told me
If anything happened to me
Right now…
With everything as it is…
His life would be gone.

He doesn’t mean he’d kill himself.
We don’t really do that sort of thing
Our family is too practical
We’re Jewish – we don’t like to waste.
But I knew just what he meant.
The way you know when a child says -
They’d just 'starve with out a snack'...
You know they’ll live
But also you remember that feeling
When you were 5 years old –
where you were convinced you definitely would not.

It’s not too hot out.
Just right.
Makes me think of the three bears and goldilocks
the way I sigh inside the perfect temperature
It’s just right.
and I read a lot of children's books.

This is so hard.
This counting of flowers and minutes
And each one only makes me worry more
And at the same time…
The ticking of days going by – slipping by – and even being lost,
Tells me we'll make it through - like we always do
we are a resilient family.
we can do this.

We will be less incredible without her
We will be less beauty once she is gone
We will be one less angel
One less branch
One less petal on the flowers...

…across the street – there is 34
35 if you count the little one under some leaves
My aunt would like these flowers
Her backyard is beautiful.

There are more flowers in the yard than we have family
and by a lot
And I’m happy they are there
Grass is not always enough
and the contrast of colors - the purple lips of each flower
Makes each member of my family more real

As long as the sun shows up every few days
and asks me to smile for her
I can breathe.
I have the stars already
and I have whats left of my family
in purple flower petals.

My friends are my soil
and they have been my solid ground
to replace the parts of mine that have crumbled
and recently fallen away.
They are as beautiful
as this breeze, and as important
to my heart beat.

My Dad is in pieces –
But I have them all here
In my Hand
I’ll keep him safe until
we can put ourselves back together again.
And I’ll keep my family
in the pocket of
today’s sun on the edges of my soul.

Am I alright???

No – not really

But I will be

Because there are 35 purple flowers across the street.